I am wondering if anyone can sponsor my membership in a cabal? Any cabal will do. Let me be clear, I am not interested in Kabbalah, that has been a common misunderstanding when I have asked this question in the past. Besides, I already asked and Madonna would not touch me with a ten meter cattle prod. Also, last time I made inquiries about joining a cabal people started sending me travel brochures to Afghanistan. Come on people! It's cabal not Kabul.

I recently found out that I cannot be killed by conventional weapons✝✝.

✝✝Does not include: guns, knives, most varieties of baseball bats, samurai swords...well all kinds of swords really, rocket launchers, poison darts, polonium etc.

How do I avoid being killed by all of these instruments of death. It's simple--fear crippling, obsequious, wet-your-pants fear of anyone who owns, sells, maintains or otherwise has access to conventional weapons. I just don't mess with them. Good advice.

Now, non conventional weapons...I am pretty sure I am not immune to them. Like the other day I was making fun of this guy down the street, USN Lt. LT Smash was his name. He is always bragging about how he has keys to a couple of MIM Patriot-104 missiles. That may have been a mistake...Oh wait, I am just being told that Lt. Smash probably has access to conventional weapons too. I better go bring him a plate of cookies...that is all.

Dearest Mr. Snake

    Your claim of January 15^th, 2011 is under investigation for possible fraud. Our adjustor went to the site on Olde Pioneer Road and found your  property (chemical plant) had all the staples of insurance fraud. As you may not be aware of how numerous these obvious signs were, I will enumerate them:

·         A large number of lacquer cans found near blown up boiler. Inventory records show you do not sell this item to distributors. Additionally, chemical analysis of the plant shows you don’t use lacquer for the treatment of any of your wood fixtures.
·         Book on unburned shelf titled: So You Want To Rip Off Your Insurance Company.
·         Multiple discarded fire retardant sheathes to fuel storage tanks found in nearby dumpster.
·         Records proving regular maintenance for boiler mysteriously stop weeks after your spouse files for divorce and a freezing of all marital assets.
·         Remnants from Trinitrotoluene (TNT) found at key areas of shop, obviously meant to increase the blast radius of ill-maintained boiler.
·         Letter from dishonored former area fire chief on the best way to start a fast spreading grease fire.
·         Diary entry from you of January 12^th, detailing your plans to destroy the shop by fire, and make a claim against your insurance.
·         Printout of email from dear friend dated January 14th who read your diary, pleading  that your plan to commit insurance fraud was fool-hardy and for you to reconsider, or at least remove many of the more obvious signs of fraud before you enacted your plot. He then goes on to list all of the above items as examples. He also instructs you not to print this email, or leave it laying in a common area of the office.
·         In response to an indictment by the grand jury, your dear friend turns states evidence. Claiming that the printed email found on the coffee table in the break room of your installation, should in no way be interpreted as encouragement by him to commit insurance fraud. During the deposition he also stated that you two discussed the matter over drinks, and you would be implementing the final phase of your plan the next day.
·         Two days ago, after your attorney informed you of the outcome of the grand jury and deposition, your friend mysteriously had a hang-gliding accident  wearing a pair of cement shoes. His wife claims he was deathly afraid of heights, and has absolutely no proclivity toward masonry-footwear. She then showed the investigators a hand-scrawled letter, written in blood, with the words “You!” A small illustration on the bottom of the note depicts a fairly close approximation of said friend falling victim the very accident he died of. The handwriting matched the signature of the deed to the property on the claim, a deed you signed. The blood was typed and crossed to your blood type (AB- most rare), and a DNA test performed. The DNA matched 67 unique genetic markers to you.
·         Both the handwriting expert and the lab technician who tested your DNA, had separate freak accidents involving defective mai tais, those little umbrellas served with cocktails.
·         Through a Google search we learned that you own a small mai tai manufacturing company in Curitiba, Brazil.

This is not an absolute denial of your claim. There are strong probabilities that the miles of paperwork on my assistant’s desk will prompt her to just approve the claim. But this may slow some things down for your early retirement to Costa Rica. Please be patient.

Our Sincerest Apologies

Regards,

Stanley DePalma

Head-Adjustor

Hopping Mad Insurance Company

Omaha, Nebraska 

Here you numbers nuts. This is a mixture of the age old correlation vs. causation argument, as well as a little fun with statistics.

With the exclusion of the WNBA, because it's boring. A statistically significant number of athletes of national league level sports have both the X and the Y chromosomes. The statistic exceeds 51%. It also exceeds 99% but that is neither here nor there.

Now is this true because those people with both have an increased opportunity to gain placement on a sports team competing at a national level (cum hoc ergo propter hoc)? Or is it possible that the presence of both varieties of this genetic material are what make these athletes perform at such a high level in the first place (post hoc ergo propter hoc)?

Who knows? It's just science. And by science's very nature, it cannot be understood through the use of statistics, an appeal to the scientific process, or through an examination of various logical fallacies.

You all have a good day. Go Tamika Catchings, score all the points!

1^st and foremost – Sandwiches

This is the man widely credited with the advent of the modern sandwich.  His name is John Montagu, Earl of Sandwich. This First Lord of the Admiralty was known for his long card playing session. At the time, placing cards on the table to take a meal was tantamount to forfeiture. As a result, Sandwich would often have his chef bring him meat in between two slices of bread. A rudimentary forerunner to the modern sandwich to be sure; in that his chef was obviously ignorant to the fact that the hydrophobic properties of substances like Mayonnaise, and to a lesser extent Miracle Whip (bleck!) provide a sound moisture barrier allowing for the use of other blissful, yet water-rich ingredients like tomato or pickle. THANK YOU LORD ADMIRAL MONTAGU SANDWICH!

2^nd PIZZA

This man is also famous. He is Lord John Charles Herries, Fifth Duke of Supreme Pizza. He also figures prominently in preindustrial British government. But this Chancellor of the Exchequer had a much more ‘chequered’ past—if you know what I mean? A well-known confidence trickster, lothario and  all-around ne’er-do-well, Supreme Pizza also enjoyed a good card game now and again. As is often the case on those grueling bridge games, you get the hankering for massive quantities of complex carbohydrates covered in pizza sauce (it may have been called something else at the time). It was during one of these instances and having instructed the chef to leave the bread and sauce dish on a side table. Supreme Pizza reached down to his boot to retrieve a more favorable card. In doing so, he inadvertently spilled some grated cheese, olives, onions, chopped green peppers, sausage and pepperoni onto the still warm bread. Not wanting the faux pas to alert his fellow players of his cheating ways, he ignored the mess. Ten minutes later, when he had won the game, he went back to his dish. All the ingredients had combine perfectly to create what we now know as the Supreme Pizza. THANK YOU LORD HERRIES SUPREME PIZZA!

How to Annoy the Authorities in Your Local Prefecture

Lately I find myself browsing the Internet in search of local statutes of limitations on various types of crimes. I use this information to confess to crimes I did not commit that took place just past the deadline. It's fun to see the cop's faces when they realize they can't hold me on those federal racketeering charges or bootlegging. I think I was even some cop's white whale. It's a sickness really.

Women's Studies

"A woman without her man is nothing." Now my friends at the Lodge would say "Punctuate this thusly.": "A woman, without her man, is nothing." But my friends at the pet adoption place would intersperse in this wise: "A woman: without her, man is nothing." I rather like this interpretation: A: Woman, W: ithout-her, M: an, I: s, N: othing. This turns the sentence into an easy, if asynchronous vocabulary test question. Which the answer to the previously implied component to the question "Which is the real word?", is of course: N. Othing. I like to othing things. Othing.

UCMJ = (Something in Chinese)

Was reading reading through the eponymous Uniform Code of Military Justice, where it clearly states in chapter 10: Punitive Articles, subsection 94: Mutiny and Sedition, paragraph 3: Failing to Prevent, sentence 1, word 20, letter 4: "L". I found that very interesting, very interesting indeed. The Chinese analog to this same document and location reads: "简", you thought I was going to say "R" didn't you? Shame on you, you racist!

Somthing that I am really passionate about!

I am really passionate about mustaches.

The Randomness of Cheese

I like that cheese sometimes has holes and sometimes does not have holes, it's totally random. I might choose a delicious Swiss cheese sandwich and the cheese might have holes, alternatively, if I were to make that same Swiss cheese sandwich with Gruyère and maybe leave out the Swiss, it might not have holes, who knows. Because you see, holes in cheese is decided by the fates and not by some cheese making process whereby the cheese-maker adds Propionibacter Shermani that produces carbon dioxide which forms whole bubbles in the cheese, that when cut into thin slices manifest as holes in the slices of cheese.

Sports Team

My preferred sports team is superior to all of your preferred sports teams, unless your preferred sports team is the same as my preferred sports team. There has been a lot of talk recently about how your preferred sports team is superior to mine, but this is not true, my preferred sports team is superior to yours in both points scoring and points loss avoidance.

Because you may not believe this assertion I have prepared a short list of evidence-based arguments which should dissuade even the most ardent of critics.

1. My headlining player number 54 is better, within the confines of the sport's comparative statistical datasets, than is your comparable headlining player number 23. He is stronger, faster, better capable of handling the item being propelled up and down the gaming boundary, appeals to a wider audience of sports-goers, enjoys a greater number of commercial sponsorships, has a larger pool of female admirers and fewer sexually transmitted diseases than does your player.

2. The coach of my preferred sports team has a better record of motivating his players to more successfully propel the subject of the sports game up and down the gaming boundary, than does your coach, such that my team is better at scoring points than your team is. Additionally, the coach of my preferred sports team enjoys a greater level of esteem, charisma and recruitment capital than does your coach. Which enables him to enlist far more proficient players of the sport than the coach of your team is capable of enlisting. Lastly, the coach of my preferred sports team has greater mental faculties, reasoning skills and strategic powers than the coach of your preferred sports team does. This makes him better at formulating a plan of attack that optimizes the skill-sets of his players, which results in better overall performance on the scoreboard than your coach.

3. The home venue of my preferred sports team is superior to the venue where your preferred sports team is based. This venue accommodates a greater number of spectators, has better seating, and contracts with more appealing vendors than does the venue where your preferred sports is based. The venue where my preferred sports is based is more convenient to police, fire and other emergency services and is in closer proximity to major highways and public transportation than does your venue. It is also closer to finer restaurants than is your venue. And of course the home field advantage enjoyed by my team's venue is more beneficial to my team's performance, than is the benefit reaped by your team playing in their home venue.

4. My preferred team's logo is superior to your team's logo. It enjoys greater brand recognition, and brand loyalty than does your logo. It is more creatively designed and is more aesthetically pleasing than is the logo of your preferred sports team. The logo for my preferred sports team is more likely to sell T-Shirts and hats than is the logo your team uses.

5. The mascot of my preferred sports team is better than the mascot of your preferred sports team. It is more sensible and offends fewer groups of people. My mascot inspires 40-50% more interest in halftime festivities than does the mascot for your team. My team's mascot is cuter and cuddlier than is your team's mascot. My team's mascot's anthropomorphization was better realized by its designers and seamstresses than was the anthropomorphization of your team's mascot by those who your team's management employed to design and sew the costume.

and finally...

6. The notoriety in poplular media of my preferred sports team is greater and more commercially viable than is the notoriety in popular media of your preferred sports team. My team has been mentioned more times on Perry Mason, Happy Days, Taxi, Whose The Boss, Seinfeld, 30 Rock and The Today Show than your team has over the years. Additionally my preferred team has had more songs by The Beatles, the Boss and Bananarama devoted to them than your preferred team has had.

As you can see, this constitutes a strong argument for the adoption of a broad-based opinion that my team is better than your team.

And lastly, Suck It! That is all.

Why'd He Do It?

CHATLOG 2/23/2010 7pm

Dave

I can't believe he finally did it

7:07 PM Mr. Duck

who did what?

7:07 PM Dave sends

:

Transfer of "eyore.bmp" is complete.

7:08 PM Mr. Duck

hahahaha awwwww poor eeyore

7:09 PM Dave

well, with that depression he had, it must have been tough. frankly I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.

7:10 PM Mr. Duck

Yea I know... he needed medication I'm surprised with all those friends he didn't get any

7:12 PM Dave

He had no support. I mean Rabbit would sooner step on your face as lose a freakin' carrot. Pooh, and his OCD thing with Honey...all he cared about was gettin his latest fix. Piglet was just a loser...I mean you can't help others until you help yourself. And then there's that damn Tigger! ‘T’ ‘I’ double g'rrr, my Ass. Stupid jock!

7:12 PM Mr. Duck

haha good points indeed what about owl or Kanga?

7:14 PM Dave

Kanga was an enabler and Owl has dementia, Roo, well let's just say if there is a Kangaroo youth lockup, well he'll be in it very soon that’s a guarantee

7:16 PM Mr. Duck

awww... poor Winnie the Pooh and Friends

is there any good ones?

what about Christopher

7:23 PM Dave

I think Christopher was put in an impossible situation. He has his own life to worry about. When you boil it down, these friends of his are like millstones. Here he is trying to go to school so he doesnt have to take a job in the food service industry, and these people are just one problem after another, he does his best, but he cant put out fires all day. Plus Pooh is a full time job all by himself and Christopher just doesn’t manage his time well, and why should we expect him to, he's 8.

Waldo Dead Aged 61

A murder most foul it's been called in City of Industry, CA. Monday as authorities try to sort out the events that unfolded over the weekend. Wally Wanderclue, also known as Waldo of children's book fame was found dead this week in his 80,000 Sq Ft. Mansion Sunday night. Wally was an inspiration for many children's eye puzzlers over the years. "At first we didn't know what we were looking at." said veteran homicide detective Stephan Cochrane, "The room was a convoluted, the clutter of misplaced objects permeated every inch of the residence. In one corner there seemed to be an Egyptian theme, we could see obelisks, sarcophagi and Jackal figurines. In another area we observed a pirate motif, with things like Jolly Roger flags, eye patches and the like were stacked to the rafters. Then I saw it. At first I thought it was a clever dummy. Upon further inspection the image was unmistakable, that bespectacled glassy-eyed gaze, and beanie hat, add to that the trademark red and white striped shirt, now stained with blood. It was Waldo". The police say that Wanderclue was beloved by all, so finding suspects will be hard due to lack of motive. However it did appear to be robbery according to CIPD. Another mystery due to be solved will be with regards to Wanderclues estate. "Where's Waldo Jr.? Cochrane questioned. The 15 year detective said that Wally did indeed have an estranged love-child. The result of a fling with him and a travelling carney. Despite his relative popularity, Wanderclue was a solitary man with few friends, a social recluse that was hard to spot at a party, or social gathering and/or panoramic photo op with random seemingly inordinate groupings of color-coordinated objects and people. Regardless, one thing is clear, the mystery is sure to thicken. We all know Where's Waldo now. Heaven...that's right heaven!!!

Recent Time Travel Experience:

Recent Time Travel Experience:

Pharaoh Akhenaten has an attitude. All I told him was that the penicillin would cure his syphilis. He said if he had it his way he would curse me in the tombs of his fathers. What did that mean? He said "What sorcery is this? That I can ingest a simple tablet and my illness will go away." One of his henchmen approached me and laid a scimitar before me. He said "you will now engage in mortal combat you foul infidel." Reflecting on my passion for movies I remembered when Indy was confronted by a crazy sword man, in that spirit I pulled out my .38 revolver...and well you've seen Raiders. He fell like a sack of potatoes. It was then that Akhenaten bowed before me. He said "lazhma hashis illii iki iki". Translated literally this means: "You have the powers of the gods" So now whenever you are reading ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics and you see a peculiar sideways L,that's actually my piece, a Winchester .38 with a laser scope, silencer and the serial number filed down.

The Facts...

Recently brought a gun to a knife fight.

Why The Statement “I like to do sports.” Is Funny

Why the Statement “I like to do sports.” is Funny:
An Academic Analysis

Historically those who are not capable of performing athletic activities sufficient to impress their female peers, choose other diversions to pass the time. These include activities like: painting tiny dolls (sometimes called action figures), writing fan technical manuals for the USS Enterprise, or reading books. As such, the syntax and semantics of sports jargon escapes them. Lack of specificity as to the type of sports one enjoys is a key indicator of this subculture's (pejoratively referred to as “nerds”) ignorance . Additionally those who eschew physical fitness in favor of drinking Mountain Dew and hand carving multifaceted dice often feign interest in sports in an effort to avoid physical altercations or “beatings”. The statement "I like to do sports!" is a perfect example of something a person who couldn't do sports even if he liked to, would say. The telltale absence of specificity, paired with the misunderstood notion that the word “sports” is an adverb, suggests that the person making this erroneous declaration is unable to compose a pro-sports comment capable of camouflaging his love of World of Warcraft. Because everyone knows that gross generalizations and the purveyance of derogatory stereotypes is funny, the ability to use this statement “I like to do sports!” to highlight the suspect impetus of nerds (who have no business fitting in), makes the statement funny.

New Catch Phrase

I want to have a catch phrase like "here's your sign" or "you might be a redneck". Mine would be a decidedly more cultured one though. Want to know what it is?: "In related news." Allow me to demonstrate. "President Obama slips on wet ground today." In related news..."Piece of ground starts its own website today, in the hope that it will again be worshipped by euphoric zombified generation x automatons."

In Related News...

+

=

Recently learned that the origins of of the delicacy of yore, pound cake, consists of of the following ingredients: pound of butter, a pound of flour, and a pound of sugar, and a pound of eggs. In related news, it was learned that the mortatlity rate of the feudal English was crazy high because of a little thing called Myocardial Infarction. Thanks I'm here all week!

Going To Plan

Ya know how things never go to plan? Why don't we just plan something that we don't want, like a problem with your car, then it will never happen. Example, I recently planned an alien invasion for the 22nd and it didn't happened. I don't think a lot of people know I singlehandely averted destruction by a vastly more advanced laser saliva spitting cyborg civilization just by writing it down in my palm pilot. You're welcome Earth!TECH TIP! I like to write down "take broken car to the repairman" every single day in my planner, try not to put a specific time down, just have it be an all day event, because if you put 3pm your car will just break at 4pm. Also with the advent of Outlook and other new fangled calendar programs it is not hard to make this event reoccur without repeatedly writing it down.This seems to be working for me you should all try it.

Letter from a Chinese guy who just got YouTube

Dear Chris Crocker,

There no way I not making fun you! Comrade Jerry Seinfeld said best when he said: "Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?" Why do you need sheet Chris Crocker, you Harry Potter, where's magic wand? Oh wait...don't show me that, my eyes explode. I heard you live with grandparents. Did trapeze artists fall on parents while they getting out of clown car at the circus?

What's up with you face? My favorite is combination of five o'clock and eye shadows at same time. And your hair, it looks like someone glue bowl of Asian noodles to your head.

Hey Chris Crocker, if you love Britney so much why don't you just marry her? Oh...nevermind. What's it like in her mansion...you've been their right? Does she return your calls?

When you filmed the Britney thing, did your grandparents hear you? When you said "Leave Britney alone..." (for the 80 bajillionth time) and then said "...I mean it!", that sounded like threat. Were you threatening us, or the West? Because if you threaten China, you disappear and your grandparents never see you again. If you threaten U.S. you get waterboarded.

Chris Crocker, you seem like stand up guy. Someone who like to see progress. I have some literature I can send you. Its about a crassress society with no private party ownership. You could come to Beijing and teach West to leave Stalin and Mao Zedong alone. Think about it.

Xie xie

Pu Ping