Dearest Mr. Snake
Your claim of January 15th,
2011 is under investigation for possible fraud. Our adjustor went to the site
on Olde Pioneer Road and found your property (chemical plant) had all the
staples of insurance fraud. As you may not be aware of how numerous these
obvious signs were, I will enumerate them:
· A large number of lacquer cans found near blown up boiler. Inventory records show you do not sell this item to distributors. Additionally, chemical analysis of the plant shows you don’t use lacquer for the treatment of any of your wood fixtures.
· Book on unburned shelf titled: So You Want To Rip Off Your Insurance Company.
· Multiple discarded fire retardant sheathes to fuel storage tanks found in nearby dumpster.
· Records proving regular maintenance for boiler mysteriously stop weeks after your spouse files for divorce and a freezing of all marital assets.
· Remnants from Trinitrotoluene (TNT) found at key areas of shop, obviously meant to increase the blast radius of ill-maintained boiler.
· Letter from dishonored former area fire chief on the best way to start a fast spreading grease fire.
· Diary entry from you of January 12th, detailing your plans to destroy the shop by fire, and make a claim against your insurance.
· Printout of email from dear friend dated January 14th who read your diary, pleading that your plan to commit insurance fraud was fool-hardy and for you to reconsider, or at least remove many of the more obvious signs of fraud before you enacted your plot. He then goes on to list all of the above items as examples. He also instructs you not to print this email, or leave it laying in a common area of the office.
· In response to an indictment by the grand jury, your dear friend turns states evidence. Claiming that the printed email found on the coffee table in the break room of your installation, should in no way be interpreted as encouragement by him to commit insurance fraud. During the deposition he also stated that you two discussed the matter over drinks, and you would be implementing the final phase of your plan the next day.
· Two days ago, after your attorney informed you of the outcome of the grand jury and deposition, your friend mysteriously had a hang-gliding accident wearing a pair of cement shoes. His wife claims he was deathly afraid of heights, and has absolutely no proclivity toward masonry-footwear. She then showed the investigators a hand-scrawled letter, written in blood, with the words “You!” A small illustration on the bottom of the note depicts a fairly close approximation of said friend falling victim the very accident he died of. The handwriting matched the signature of the deed to the property on the claim, a deed you signed. The blood was typed and crossed to your blood type (AB- most rare), and a DNA test performed. The DNA matched 67 unique genetic markers to you.
· Both the handwriting expert and the lab technician who tested your DNA, had separate freak accidents involving defective mai tais, those little umbrellas served with cocktails.
· Through a Google search we learned that you own a small mai tai manufacturing company in Curitiba, Brazil.
This is not an absolute denial of your claim. There are
strong probabilities that the miles of paperwork on my assistant’s desk will
prompt her to just approve the claim. But this may slow some things down for
your early retirement to Costa Rica. Please be patient.
Our Sincerest Apologies
Regards,
Stanley DePalma
Head-Adjustor
Hopping Mad Insurance Company
Omaha, Nebraska
