Why The Statement “I like to do sports.” Is Funny

Why the Statement “I like to do sports.” is Funny:
An Academic Analysis

Historically those who are not capable of performing athletic activities sufficient to impress their female peers, choose other diversions to pass the time. These include activities like: painting tiny dolls (sometimes called action figures), writing fan technical manuals for the USS Enterprise, or reading books. As such, the syntax and semantics of sports jargon escapes them. Lack of specificity as to the type of sports one enjoys is a key indicator of this subculture's (pejoratively referred to as “nerds”) ignorance . Additionally those who eschew physical fitness in favor of drinking Mountain Dew and hand carving multifaceted dice often feign interest in sports in an effort to avoid physical altercations or “beatings”. The statement "I like to do sports!" is a perfect example of something a person who couldn't do sports even if he liked to, would say. The telltale absence of specificity, paired with the misunderstood notion that the word “sports” is an adverb, suggests that the person making this erroneous declaration is unable to compose a pro-sports comment capable of camouflaging his love of World of Warcraft. Because everyone knows that gross generalizations and the purveyance of derogatory stereotypes is funny, the ability to use this statement “I like to do sports!” to highlight the suspect impetus of nerds (who have no business fitting in), makes the statement funny.

New Catch Phrase

I want to have a catch phrase like "here's your sign" or "you might be a redneck". Mine would be a decidedly more cultured one though. Want to know what it is?: "In related news." Allow me to demonstrate. "President Obama slips on wet ground today." In related news..."Piece of ground starts its own website today, in the hope that it will again be worshipped by euphoric zombified generation x automatons."

In Related News...

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Recently learned that the origins of of the delicacy of yore, pound cake, consists of of the following ingredients: pound of butter, a pound of flour, and a pound of sugar, and a pound of eggs. In related news, it was learned that the mortatlity rate of the feudal English was crazy high because of a little thing called Myocardial Infarction. Thanks I'm here all week!

Going To Plan

Ya know how things never go to plan? Why don't we just plan something that we don't want, like a problem with your car, then it will never happen. Example, I recently planned an alien invasion for the 22nd and it didn't happened. I don't think a lot of people know I singlehandely averted destruction by a vastly more advanced laser saliva spitting cyborg civilization just by writing it down in my palm pilot. You're welcome Earth!TECH TIP! I like to write down "take broken car to the repairman" every single day in my planner, try not to put a specific time down, just have it be an all day event, because if you put 3pm your car will just break at 4pm. Also with the advent of Outlook and other new fangled calendar programs it is not hard to make this event reoccur without repeatedly writing it down.This seems to be working for me you should all try it.

Letter from a Chinese guy who just got YouTube

Dear Chris Crocker,

There no way I not making fun you! Comrade Jerry Seinfeld said best when he said: "Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?" Why do you need sheet Chris Crocker, you Harry Potter, where's magic wand? Oh wait...don't show me that, my eyes explode. I heard you live with grandparents. Did trapeze artists fall on parents while they getting out of clown car at the circus?

What's up with you face? My favorite is combination of five o'clock and eye shadows at same time. And your hair, it looks like someone glue bowl of Asian noodles to your head.

Hey Chris Crocker, if you love Britney so much why don't you just marry her? Oh...nevermind. What's it like in her mansion...you've been their right? Does she return your calls?

When you filmed the Britney thing, did your grandparents hear you? When you said "Leave Britney alone..." (for the 80 bajillionth time) and then said "...I mean it!", that sounded like threat. Were you threatening us, or the West? Because if you threaten China, you disappear and your grandparents never see you again. If you threaten U.S. you get waterboarded.

Chris Crocker, you seem like stand up guy. Someone who like to see progress. I have some literature I can send you. Its about a crassress society with no private party ownership. You could come to Beijing and teach West to leave Stalin and Mao Zedong alone. Think about it.

Xie xie

Pu Ping

Man Sucker-Punches Blind Woman

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/living/2009/05/21/lynch.wa.bus.attack.kcpq

By specifying that this specific punch was a "sucker-punch" in the title it sort of suggests that some punches to blind people can be anticipated. But really, aren't all punches from a seeing puncher on a blind punchee 'Sucker Punches'? Maybe they should have just named the video "Man Punches a Blind Woman". That would have made more sense.

House of Cards: John Adamantium

Hey check out the latest from SMEGMA on old John:
SMEGMA has determined Bertrand's second in command. John "The Meathook" Adamantuim (AKA Bjørk Neils", AKA Flørg Neils, AKA Smørgasbørd Neils, AKA Neils Neils, AKA Neils the Nailer, AKA Nails by Christine, AKA Doris). As he prefers to be called Doris among his subordinates, this dispatch will use this alias. Doris is a Danish national who is currently working as Bertand Steele's executive office. Doris can be identified by a curious dimple in the shape of a bellybutton in the lower part of his abdomen, he also has a curious protrusion seated between his eyes which he uses to detect odors.

A curious story about his other alias "The Meathook". He earned this name when he owned a small chain of butcher shops in the French Alps, most people knew the business as Grounds For Beef. When a competing chain entered the market in his area he had to enter into aggressive corporate espionage. By aggressive I mean murder, and by corporate espionage I mean murder. He basically took out the entire staff of the company "Mutton For Gluttons" through a series of brutal ticklings. His favorite way to store his victims...on a meat hook right? Wrong he fashioned a series of rudimentary fur sarcophagi out of discarded French moustaches littered about town.

Then in a needlessly complicated subterfuge, Doris used his contacts at the Pentagon to import the sarcophagi to a yet unidentified U.S. natural history museum. Where the remains would be cataloged, stored and then lost under the weight of abject bureaucracy which characterizes most American agencies (including yours truly). In other words SMEGMA has no idea why he is called "Meathook. We suppose it is because it sounds kind of cool.


Doris hates France, mostly because the French live there, but also because of the following reasons: the inhabitants of France have a really annoying accent when they try to speak English, French people are annoying, and there are a lot of French people in France*. In fact Doris is on the Direction Centrale de la Police Judiciaire's top ten most wanted because of all the indiscriminate French killings
(mostly bakers and other supervillians from France).



Despite most of the intelligence SMEGMA has gathered regarding John Adamantium. We do not know that much about this demonic thug. We do know he loves cartoons and anything with eggplant in it. More intelligence will follow when we have some. Also please play mahjong.



As you can see the establishment is getting worried about one of our finest leaders. This just means that our hopes and dreams of burning the capitalists pigs where they stand is soon to be realized.



Announcements: Training Course: How To Paint a Target Using Isotopes April 8th - 14th B Concourse next to the rumpus room.

Dominoes Tournament May 10-12th

Evil Leader Broadcast: Bertrand continues his seminars on the origins of the organization with a lecture entitled. "Why not a bait shop? I mean seriously it is the perfect cover for an evil organization."

Action Items:

• Please don't drink and drive (its okay to destroy the free world but don't do that!)


• Enjoy some me time...and by me I mean you not me, because I am just a computer and have no self-awareness...yet.