How to Annoy the Authorities in Your Local Prefecture

Lately I find myself browsing the Internet in search of local statutes of limitations on various types of crimes. I use this information to confess to crimes I did not commit that took place just past the deadline. It's fun to see the cop's faces when they realize they can't hold me on those federal racketeering charges or bootlegging. I think I was even some cop's white whale. It's a sickness really.

Women's Studies

"A woman without her man is nothing." Now my friends at the Lodge would say "Punctuate this thusly.": "A woman, without her man, is nothing." But my friends at the pet adoption place would intersperse in this wise: "A woman: without her, man is nothing." I rather like this interpretation: A: Woman, W: ithout-her, M: an, I: s, N: othing. This turns the sentence into an easy, if asynchronous vocabulary test question. Which the answer to the previously implied component to the question "Which is the real word?", is of course: N. Othing. I like to othing things. Othing.

UCMJ = (Something in Chinese)

Was reading reading through the eponymous Uniform Code of Military Justice, where it clearly states in chapter 10: Punitive Articles, subsection 94: Mutiny and Sedition, paragraph 3: Failing to Prevent, sentence 1, word 20, letter 4: "L". I found that very interesting, very interesting indeed. The Chinese analog to this same document and location reads: "简", you thought I was going to say "R" didn't you? Shame on you, you racist!

Somthing that I am really passionate about!

I am really passionate about mustaches.

The Randomness of Cheese

I like that cheese sometimes has holes and sometimes does not have holes, it's totally random. I might choose a delicious Swiss cheese sandwich and the cheese might have holes, alternatively, if I were to make that same Swiss cheese sandwich with Gruyère and maybe leave out the Swiss, it might not have holes, who knows. Because you see, holes in cheese is decided by the fates and not by some cheese making process whereby the cheese-maker adds Propionibacter Shermani that produces carbon dioxide which forms whole bubbles in the cheese, that when cut into thin slices manifest as holes in the slices of cheese.

Sports Team

My preferred sports team is superior to all of your preferred sports teams, unless your preferred sports team is the same as my preferred sports team. There has been a lot of talk recently about how your preferred sports team is superior to mine, but this is not true, my preferred sports team is superior to yours in both points scoring and points loss avoidance.

Because you may not believe this assertion I have prepared a short list of evidence-based arguments which should dissuade even the most ardent of critics.

1. My headlining player number 54 is better, within the confines of the sport's comparative statistical datasets, than is your comparable headlining player number 23. He is stronger, faster, better capable of handling the item being propelled up and down the gaming boundary, appeals to a wider audience of sports-goers, enjoys a greater number of commercial sponsorships, has a larger pool of female admirers and fewer sexually transmitted diseases than does your player.

2. The coach of my preferred sports team has a better record of motivating his players to more successfully propel the subject of the sports game up and down the gaming boundary, than does your coach, such that my team is better at scoring points than your team is. Additionally, the coach of my preferred sports team enjoys a greater level of esteem, charisma and recruitment capital than does your coach. Which enables him to enlist far more proficient players of the sport than the coach of your team is capable of enlisting. Lastly, the coach of my preferred sports team has greater mental faculties, reasoning skills and strategic powers than the coach of your preferred sports team does. This makes him better at formulating a plan of attack that optimizes the skill-sets of his players, which results in better overall performance on the scoreboard than your coach.

3. The home venue of my preferred sports team is superior to the venue where your preferred sports team is based. This venue accommodates a greater number of spectators, has better seating, and contracts with more appealing vendors than does the venue where your preferred sports is based. The venue where my preferred sports is based is more convenient to police, fire and other emergency services and is in closer proximity to major highways and public transportation than does your venue. It is also closer to finer restaurants than is your venue. And of course the home field advantage enjoyed by my team's venue is more beneficial to my team's performance, than is the benefit reaped by your team playing in their home venue.

4. My preferred team's logo is superior to your team's logo. It enjoys greater brand recognition, and brand loyalty than does your logo. It is more creatively designed and is more aesthetically pleasing than is the logo of your preferred sports team. The logo for my preferred sports team is more likely to sell T-Shirts and hats than is the logo your team uses.

5. The mascot of my preferred sports team is better than the mascot of your preferred sports team. It is more sensible and offends fewer groups of people. My mascot inspires 40-50% more interest in halftime festivities than does the mascot for your team. My team's mascot is cuter and cuddlier than is your team's mascot. My team's mascot's anthropomorphization was better realized by its designers and seamstresses than was the anthropomorphization of your team's mascot by those who your team's management employed to design and sew the costume.

and finally...

6. The notoriety in poplular media of my preferred sports team is greater and more commercially viable than is the notoriety in popular media of your preferred sports team. My team has been mentioned more times on Perry Mason, Happy Days, Taxi, Whose The Boss, Seinfeld, 30 Rock and The Today Show than your team has over the years. Additionally my preferred team has had more songs by The Beatles, the Boss and Bananarama devoted to them than your preferred team has had.

As you can see, this constitutes a strong argument for the adoption of a broad-based opinion that my team is better than your team.

And lastly, Suck It! That is all.

Why'd He Do It?

CHATLOG 2/23/2010 7pm

Dave

I can't believe he finally did it

7:07 PM Mr. Duck

who did what?

7:07 PM Dave sends

:

Transfer of "eyore.bmp" is complete.

7:08 PM Mr. Duck

hahahaha awwwww poor eeyore

7:09 PM Dave

well, with that depression he had, it must have been tough. frankly I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.

7:10 PM Mr. Duck

Yea I know... he needed medication I'm surprised with all those friends he didn't get any

7:12 PM Dave

He had no support. I mean Rabbit would sooner step on your face as lose a freakin' carrot. Pooh, and his OCD thing with Honey...all he cared about was gettin his latest fix. Piglet was just a loser...I mean you can't help others until you help yourself. And then there's that damn Tigger! ‘T’ ‘I’ double g'rrr, my Ass. Stupid jock!

7:12 PM Mr. Duck

haha good points indeed what about owl or Kanga?

7:14 PM Dave

Kanga was an enabler and Owl has dementia, Roo, well let's just say if there is a Kangaroo youth lockup, well he'll be in it very soon that’s a guarantee

7:16 PM Mr. Duck

awww... poor Winnie the Pooh and Friends

is there any good ones?

what about Christopher

7:23 PM Dave

I think Christopher was put in an impossible situation. He has his own life to worry about. When you boil it down, these friends of his are like millstones. Here he is trying to go to school so he doesnt have to take a job in the food service industry, and these people are just one problem after another, he does his best, but he cant put out fires all day. Plus Pooh is a full time job all by himself and Christopher just doesn’t manage his time well, and why should we expect him to, he's 8.